Is There a Menswear Tumblr Illuminati?
I know everyone thinks this is funny and cute and all but let’s be real for a second, how come everybody knows who this group of guys are and why the fuck are they always hanging out with each other? Seriously, is menswear providing such a great connection between all of you that you must hang out with each other daily and take cool pictures? And what the fuck is the deal with Saturdays? There’s only so much coffee a guy can drink. You don’t need to get 4 cups and 3 photo opps a day because you’re wearing the new ugly nike mayflys (which I fucking neeeed). All you have to do is hit up ya manz Justin Chung and you got at least 500 reblogs right there.
You don’t believe me? Here’s a little rundown for you doubters:
Lawrence Schlossman – the motherfucking kingpin of this illuminati shit. What’s that? He’s not the kingpin? Please. This fucking guy is already on his way to weighing 400 pounds and being bald. He’s the god damned kingpin indeed.
Nice try, Bro (Brian Trunzo) – the Jay-Z of the illuminati if you will. Dude has witty disses and a bad bitch by his side. How much more Hov can you get? I’m your fucking Ether.
Mr. Danger (Alex Maier) – this is the guy that was a part of the cool kids group in high school but you have no fucking idea how he got there. Like, where the fuck did this guy come from? Why am I following him? Is he half Asian? He’s definitely half Asian.
Justin Chung – this guy could take a picture of shit and it still would be hot. I’m being serious, he could take a picture of hot shit with undigested corn coming out of it and it’s cool. Honestly, everything this fucking guy shoots is just cool. If it isn’t cool the illuminati trick you into thinking it’s cool (see: ugly nike mayflys).
Alex Restivo – I honestly believe this kid will just smack you in the face with a knot of cash if you try him. Like, “What did you say? L.B.M? Backhands Jake with a wad of $100s I wouldn’t be caught dead in that peasant brand.”
Noah and Jace – the foot soldiers. They’re young and don’t have much money so their blog actually means something more to them. They do the most brainwashing of the masses with their frequent posts and willingness to answer questions. Well, except for Noah, he’s just fucking weird now.
Sean Hotchkiss – The only guy that even has a job at the “menswear hq” called GQ. I once read an article about how Sean was in real estate before menswear and is from some place called New Hampshins or something like that. Sorry, I only know about cities where fashion is somewhat relevant. How the FUCK do you go from selling apartments to rich jewish dudes from wall street to GQ? Illuminati shit, man.
Tommy Ton – Can Asians please go back to math and science and leave the artistic shit to us privileged Americans that aren’t going to be anything in life? Please. You thought Justin Chung was big? Tommy laughs somewhere…
Justin Tuck – I’m just going to let this one go because he seriously looks like a modern day black panther and you all know what happened to Malcolm.
Liam Goslett – What the fuck. This kid can’t even be a real ginger but is calling the shots at all of these photo shoots and puma yacht races and what not. I’m pretty sure he also started these menswear “neck shots” you see everywhere.
Marcus Allen - I don’t even fucking know what this guy does? Male Model? Receding Hairline? Stylist? Beats me.
I literally just reread all I’ve written so far because I thought I might be a little too harsh but I’m fucking spot on with everything. I don’t even feel bad for blowing up their little secret, they’ll just dust this shit under the rug and cut me up. Find me in the back of Saturday’s with all of the surfboards.
I know some of you guys (including me) think these guys are the coolest, but they’re honestly just nerds.